Should I Talk to My Spouse Before Talking to My Divorce Lawyer?~ 4 min read

• If you and your spouse have already grown apart and both understand that the marriage is ending, you may feel comfortable discussing divorce before contacting an attorney.
• If there is conflict, anxiety, or uncertainty, speaking with a divorce attorney first gives you information about your rights and the process.
• Knowing what your spouse legally can and cannot do may reduce fear if the conversation does not go well.
• Preparing for the conversation also gives you time to think about finances, your children, and what you want to say.

Start With Information

If you are considering divorce, one of the first questions you should ask is whether you should tell your spouse or talk to a lawyer first. The answer depends on your relationship with your spouse and how you expect your spouse to respond.

If you and your spouse have gradually grown apart and are essentially friends who both recognize that the marriage is ending, you may feel comfortable talking about divorce before contacting an attorney. If there is any conflict, anxiety, or uncertainty, I recommend speaking with an attorney first.

Know Your Rights Before the Conversation

Talking to an attorney does not mean you are starting a legal battle. It means you are learning how the divorce process works and understanding what you and your spouse legally can and cannot do.

You could hear threats such as, “I’ll take all the money,” or “You won’t get anything.” If you have already spoken with an attorney, you will recognize that some statements are simply reactions rather than things your spouse has the legal ability to do.

Give Yourself Time to Prepare

The more conflict you expect, the more preparation you may need. You may want to understand your finances, gather important information, and think about how you will pay your expenses if your spouse responds negatively.

You may also want to discuss your concerns with your attorney before you say anything to your spouse. Having a plan gives you something to rely on if the conversation does not go as you expected.

Think About Your Children

Your preparation should also include thinking about your children. Before you tell your spouse you want a divorce, consider when and how you will talk with your children about what is happening.

You should also consider what you will say if your spouse tells the children before you are ready. Preparing for those conversations in advance gives you a better chance of responding calmly and keeping your children out of adult disagreements.

You Do Not Have to Prepare for Every Scenario

Preparing does not mean trying to predict everything your spouse might say or do. It means talking through enough possibilities with your attorney so that you are not hearing important information for the first time during an emotional conversation.

I have worked with people who prepared for scenarios that never happened. Even so, knowing what you would do if a difficult situation arises may reduce your anxiety and help you feel more prepared when you have the conversation.

Contact Family Ally

Before you tell your spouse you want a divorce, make sure you understand your rights and have a plan for what comes next. At Family Ally, we help you understand your options and prepare for the financial, legal, and family decisions ahead. Contact Jennifer Piper at 314-449-9800 or contact us online to schedule a consultation.

Family Ally is located at 130 S. Bemiston Ave., Suite 608, St. Louis, MO 63105.

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